Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Getting Away with Murder

Farzana Parveen Iqbal was a 25 year old Pakistani woman who was excited about her pregnancy and becoming a mother.  Farzana had chosen to wed a 45 year old widower she had fallen in love with, instead of the cousin her family had selected for her to marry. 

Charges were brought against Farzana’s husband, Mohammad Iqbal, who was accused by her family of kidnapping her and forcing her into marriage.  Farzana was on her way to testify in court that she loved her husband and married him willingly. 

As the couple arrived at the Lahore, Pakistan, courthouse on Tuesday, May 27, a crowd gathered around to watch as the pregnant Farzana was stoned with bricks and clubbed to death by several of her male relatives, including her own father and brothers. She died of severe head injuries.

Mohammad Iqbal, right, husband of Farzana Parveen, 25, sits in an ambulance next to the body of his pregnant wife who was stoned to death by her own family in Lahore, Pakistan.(Photo: K.M. Chaudary, AP)

I’m glad I wasn’t born in a place like Pakistan, where an average of 1000 women are murdered every year at the hands of the men in their families defending their “family honor.”  What is even more appalling is the fact that these killings are tolerated and even dismissed by the courts and government of Pakistan.  If men are arrested and tried for these crimes, even if they are found guilty, punishments are often extremely light or non-existent. 

In fact, the way the Pakistani system is set up with regard to murder or accidental deaths, by law the victim’s family can forgive the killers.  This opens up the world of honor killings to abuse.  “The law allows (the family) to nominate someone to do the murder, then forgive him,” in essence allowing the murderers to get away with murder.  Honor killings usually specifically target women or homosexuals.  The broad and flimsy reasons given to justify honor killings range from imagined or real sexual encounters, rape victims, divorce even if the wife is being abused, refusing arranged marriages, to just merely appearing to enjoy oneself in public. 

A family member of the pregnant woman stoned to death by her family wails over her dead body in an ambulance in Lahore, Pakistan. AP Photo/K.M. Chaudary

What kind of a father kills his own daughter because he feels insulted by her choice of husband?  What kind of father would rather kill his own daughter than see her happily married to a man of her own choosing?  Don’t we all, as parents, really only want our children to be happy?  What is wrong with a society that places “perceived family honor” over the happiness or freedom of a woman to live her own life and make her own choices?  

On a final note, Islam denounces honor killings.  It is a patriarchal and cultural practice with no base in religion. 


Saturday, May 3, 2014

Jessica Socling's Story

Reprinted from the Saudi Gazette ...

"My ex-husband abducted the children and took them to Saudi Arabia"

My three children, all under the age of eight, were abducted by my Saudi ex-husband on Nov. 24, 2013 and were taken to Saudi Arabia. When I’m asked in America why I married a man from Saudi Arabia, my response is always the same: “You can’t help who you fall in love with.” But my advice to anyone wishing to marry someone from a different country, a different culture, is to really think about how these differences will impact your marriage.

I always tried to look at the positives. Our children had a unique and beautiful opportunity to get the best of both worlds, expand their horizons and be exposed to the rich cultures of their parents’ heritage.

But I never thought about what would happen if our marriage didn’t work out. When you are in love, it’s hard to think: “What will happen to the children if we get divorced?” No one wants to think of divorce.

I became a Muslim in the summer of 2001. I then met and fell in love with a young Saudi student, and we married early in 2002. I thought, as many young women who are in love thought, that we would be able to handle any conflicts together. We discussed the differences in our backgrounds, but I dismissed any idea that I wouldn’t be able to live with him anywhere, as long as we were together.

I thought I was prepared when I moved to Jeddah in the summer of 2003. I was Muslim, it was a Muslim country. I was committed to my husband and to Islam. But the culture shock crept up on me, as I’m sure it has crept up on many. I became increasingly isolated and lonely.  I felt that I was letting down my husband with my unhappiness, and he acted like he agreed.

Our lives progressed and in the summer of 2012, my husband resigned from his job to accept a scholarship for his master’s degree in the US. I was content. I settled into homeschooling our older two sons. Our youngest son, developmentally delayed due to a congenital defect, was getting all the therapy he needed. I was close to my family. My husband was doing well in school. Our children were shining beacons of beautiful, open, friendly Muslims, better dawah (call to Islam) than I could ever give on my own.

But then, late in October of 2012, my world shattered. My husband came to me with an announcement. He had decided to take a second wife. I was shocked and then outraged when he told me the wedding would take place in five days, to a young woman who had become a Muslim only weeks earlier. I begged, pleaded with my husband not to rush into this marriage. We had been married for nearly 10 years and I did not believe I could live in a polygamous marriage.

We ended up separating. Through the pain of the destruction of my marriage, I wanted only what was best for our children. He assured me that he would always take care of them, that he would stay in America with his new American wife.

But things became increasingly strained between us. I felt that he became more controlling, irrational, and erratic as time went by. It was after I didn’t have enough money to buy groceries for our children and I became fearful of his actions towards me that I sought relief through the courts for child support and an official custody agreement.

We shared custody in the US, and negotiated the terms of an Islamic parenting plan, a contract, that scheduled travel to Saudi Arabia during the school holidays. This custody agreement was nearly done by the fall of 2013. He made every indication that he agreed with the arrangements. And then the worst night of my life happened. The children were supposed be dropped off at 7 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 24, after a regular visit to their father and new stepmother. But he never showed up. I texted, called, desperate to find the boys, with no response. I called hospitals, police, as I was worried about an accident. It was hours later that I found out that my children had left on a Saudi Airlines flight at 5:55 p.m. I literally fell to the floor in fear and grief. My children, who had never spent more than a night away from me, were gone. I had loved them and cared for them before they were even born. I had only ever wanted to do what was right for them. And they were stolen from me.

No one wants to think about divorce, about what will happen if their partner doesn’t honor the mother of his children and doesn’t respect the right of young children to remain with their mother. My children have been kept from me for six months. I have been trying, from the day they were taken, to either get them back, or get to them in Saudi Arabia. My ex-husband has refused mediation attempts. I have been trying to find help in any way possible.

The US government has filed kidnapping charges against my ex-husband and his new wife, who was recently arrested and charged with assisting in the kidnapping while traveling back to the US. Even more recently, I had a meeting with the Saudi Consulate in the US and I’m hoping for the best.

But meanwhile, the children live without their mother. They do not wake up to me making them breakfast. We do not take walks through the yard and learn about the things that live there. We do not sit together and read stories of the Prophets and Islamic poetry. We do not snuggle up at night before bed, reading and talking about our days. My house, once full of love and laughter, is quiet and empty.

Jessica Socling, USA

Note from Susie: 
Unfortunately Jessica's story is not as uncommon as we would like to believe.  I get emails from women all over the world asking for advice because they are in love with Saudi men, and their families are unaccepting or worried about the relationship with a Saudi.  It is important to understand the possibilities of what could happen before you get involved too deeply with a Saudi man. What makes marriage to a Saudi man even more risky is the lack of governmental support if things go sour and the man absconds with the children to his homeland.  The issue of taking a 2nd wife always looms overhead and most often results in the breakup of the first marriage, or at the very least, a very profound adverse effect on it.  Any woman considering marriage to a Saudi man should think long and hard about it first.  Don't be a fool and think that this couldn't happen to you.  I have seen it happen too many times here in Saudi Arabia - and there is absolutely no guarantee that you are immune.